You uncharacteristically can’t.
The sad truth is that you’ve tried before, over and over and over again. Not once have you managed to slip through the cracks. You would need something big, even bigger than her as a plan to get yourself out of this enforced retirement. You are so sick of feeling washed up, you would rather drown yourself in the mop water you’re forced to make at this point. There is no worse punishment than the one that you face.
You’ve been here a long time though, and you don’t give in. They could keep you in here for the rest of eternity and you would still gnaw at the wounded leg of this ward with a gummed mouth.